


Summertime Sadness

by MelodyMay



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Cousin Incest, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Pining, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Summer Vacation, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 07:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9808550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodyMay/pseuds/MelodyMay
Summary: An empty shell of a girl, with scars on her stomach and sadness in her heart. Completely and utterly in love with her cousin.





	

**Author's Note:**

> We all have issues, and sometimes communicating them to others can help.

The night air was cool. A slight breeze brought the waves of the lake lapping onto the shore. The water appeared to be a black abyss, the only light coming from the moon. A new wave of goosebumps erupted on Sansa's skin as the water met her bare toes. As the wave retreated back to the abyss, her wet toes were met with the chilly late summer air. It was nearing the end of August and the beginning of the school year was fast approaching.  

This would be Sansa's last year attending Winterfell high. A year from now she'd be getting ready to head off to a new school, most likely in a new town. Her friends and classmates excitedly discussed the distant future and their plans for life. Everyone seemed so ready, so prepared. But Sansa was not. She had no clue which university she wished to attend, which program to apply for, what to major in. As of late she lacked any motivation to even try.  

It'd been a year since Sansa had any motivation to do anything really. All her passions and interests became meaningless as her teenage years neared the end. No words could explain her emptiness, and no one even asked her to try.  

Her despair and emptiness remained coiled up inside her, hidden from everyone. She wanted no one to notice, wanted no one to realize. She kept her feelings under lock and key, dreading the day someone unlocked her. But a small part of her was awaiting that day, the day someone would finally notice. She wanted to scream it out and cry until her tears ran dry, but she bottled it all up. To afraid to admit it. 

All throughout middle school she'd witnessed presentation after presentation on the issues of mental health, body image and how it was so common among teens. She'd scoffed at the demonstrations, priding herself with the fact that none of the issues applied to her. The thought of cutting, or starving oneself because they weren't happy with themselves was ridiculous to her.  

Her mental state remained this way for awhile, looking down on those who'd be silly enough to harm themselves, never truly understanding the issue. It wasn't until her first love Joffrey, had come around that she began to understand the importance of those presentations. 

 _Suck in your gut_  

Those were the words he told her before opening the front door of his home to meet his family for the first time. Her heart had dropped and she'd felt disgusting. She wanted to cry and vomit and run all at once. But she did it, she took a deep breath sucking in as much of her stomach as she could. The rest of the night was spent in that uncomfortable state, on constant alert of how her stomach looked. She was careful not to eat to much, to prevent a food baby. She never slouched forward, making sure her stomach stayed flat and no roll of fat was present. By the end of the night she was exhausted. 

His words had echoed in her head, preventing any ideas of sleep. She felt sick to her stomach and she couldn't understand why.  

 _That was the first time she purposely threw up her dinner._  

Her legs itched from the scratchiness of the wet sand. The palms of her hands stung ever so slightly as she pushed herself farther from the chilly water. She hadn't changed into a warmer pair of pants before leaving the cottage, she hadn't had the time. The short blue bottoms were her night shorts and not made to preserve body heat. In an effort to stay warm she hugged her knees to her chest, attempting to surround every inch of them with her arms. Her body remained cold, her palms continued to sting and her legs remained heavy. She took comfort in the pain. Noting how it distracted her from her thoughts. 

This trip had been a disaster. Her entire family was up at the Starks lake estate. It wasn't just her parents and siblings, but also her aunt Lyanna and Jon.  

 _Jon_  

She buried her head deeper into her legs as she thought about him. Jon, quiet, kind, gentle, sweet, handsome, Jon. Her cousin, Jon. 

After shitty boyfriend, after shitty boyfriend, Jon had seemed too good to be true. He never pushed her when she didn't need it, never spoke harshly of her, never lost his temper. His kindness had been unfailing, his presence was like a breath of fresh air. Sansa was so fond of him, she believed him to be as close as a brother. 

It wasn't until she'd washed out the ugly brown dye from her hair last week, that'd she'd realized the difference. 

 _The red_ _looks much prettier_ _,_ _Sansa_  

Emotions overflowed her as he said that. She had feelings that hadn't been present since her first couple weeks with Joffrey. He'd said it in passing and had been gone as quickly as the word left his lips. It was purely Jon being kind, as he so often was. But it was so much more than that. That was the first time she stopped in front of a mirror, the longest she'd gazed at herself. 

The first time in years Sansa had smiled at her reflection. 

And it was all because of her cousin. That realization didn't come to her until a couple days after the incident. She was happier and more confident then she'd been in months and it was because her cousin had given her a compliment. Sansa was a smart girl, and it took her mere minutes to realize the extent of her feeling.  

It was perfect really, after every boyfriend being a monster in disguise, she'd finally find her Prince Charming. Only for him to be her fucking cousin. All previous positive thought surrounding Jon Snow were quickly replaced by the feeling of despair. She could never, never, act upon her feelings for him. He'd be disgusted, revolted, the platonic relationship they already share would be ruined. And after so many horrible boys, Sansa couldn't give this one up. 

It was hard, living with the same kind hearted boy that plagued her dreams. Sometimes she'd catch herself watching him and would look away quickly, hoping no one had noticed. The lake certainly didn't help. Jon would swim often with her siblings, and the sight of him throwing little Rickon in air while they both laughed, was almost too much for Sansa. The sight of something so sweet and loving combined with his shirtless torso had Sansa on the constant verge of swooning. She never joined them though, she couldn’t risk anyone seeing the scars. But the little moments she relished with Jon were often shadowed by the dark thoughts that followed.  

 _He'd be disgusted with you. They'd all be._  

Not just for her stupid crush on her cousin, but for what she'd turned into. Grades slipping, no future plans, crippling depression and scars lining her abdomen. She didn't deserve her loving family. She was given every opportunity by her parents, all the love from her siblings, every smile from Jon. And what did she do with it? _Nothing._ Others struggled to eat and here she was with a perfect situation pitying herself on a beach. How could she complain while others were facing much worst hardships? 

She never wanted to be a burden. Her parents had five kids, one crippled. Sansa couldn't bear the thought of taking the attention her younger siblings needed.

None of them could ever find out. 

Except they did. Her and Arya had been arguing over something, she can't even remember. They'd been shouting and yelling when Arya had said the words she feared most. Her heart had stopped and her breathing had quickened. Her face flushed red and tears stung her eyes, waiting to be spilt. That familiar sensation of needing to throw up overcame her. 

 _"_ _At least_ _I'm not in love with my fucking cousin."_  

She saw Arya's eyes widen and her mouth to begin to open in apology. But it was too late. Sansa slapped her. Regret coiled in the pit of her stomach but she was too upset to even think about it. Arya's reaction was impossible to read as her eyes blurred over with every tear that fell.

She knew, Arya knew and everything was ruined.  

Sansa would've run straight to her room and have hidden beneath her covers. But that would be to easy, and everything had to be harder than it needed to be. Arya caught the back of her top before she could escape, promptly holding her back. It all appeared to happen in slow motion, Arya's grip on her shirt caused it to ride up and expose her scarred stomach. They were yelling at each other, and their screams must've sounded worrisome cause a second later Robb and Jon burst into the room. 

Sansa couldn't bear the shame. Not only had Arya figured out her secret, but the pitying looks Jon and Robb took on immediately after seeing her scars was too much. So she ran for it. Her adrenaline was kicking in and she needed to get away. Anywhere in the cottage wasn't an option, they'd find her in a heartbeat. But being in the middle of nowhere didn't leave a lot of options, so Sansa opted for the comfort of black water and itchy sand. 

And that's where she was now. Alone on a beach and chilled to the bone. Feeling utterly hopeless and over all depressed.  The only company was the moon, the only comfort was the sensation of stinging palms and silence 

The silence she bathed herself in, shattered with the sound of her ringtone. 

_Kiss me hard before you go_  
_Summertime sadness_

 And that's when Sansa Stark broke.


End file.
